Wednesday, June 6, 2007

Death By Potpourri: How to Kill Your Pet With Houehold Items You Already Own

My Family has been living under an oppressive autocracy, rigidly enforced on us by our two hateful cats, Fritz and Nemmie. Our once-posh TriBeCa loft has become nearly inhabitable, engrossed by the filthy compulsions of our tyrannical rulers. Piles of feline feces amidst puddles of disembogued Fancy-Feast cover our hardwood floors as a blanket of white and orange hair encapsulates sofas, beds and every item of clothing in the apartment. (Our dry cleaner gave us one of those sticky lint removers for Christmas laughing as she declared, “You REALLY need this”).

I know we are not alone, millions of Americans are living in substandard conditions forcefully imposed by their abhorred 'Pets'.

Well, help has finally arrived: a tangible end to our suffering has been illuminated in this month’s issue of Good House Keeping. In the article “10 Pet Dangers you didn’t know about”, Hallie Levine Sklar cunningly identifies the common household products with which one can kill their pet. The clever Sklar, probably made wiser by Dr. Kerkovian’s experience, masquerades her euthanastic tendencies as cautionary tales, not wanting to spend her own tender years behind bars or worst hounded by PETA.

We happened to already have a vase of lilies in the apartment, which Levine describes, is “lethal to your cat”. Be careful, however, to read the thoroughly because, as the article points out only ingesting “small amounts can result in kidney damage” and not necessarily immediate death”. My family made sure to load up on the lethal flower at our local florist. Kidney damage will only perpetuate the problem. There are other life ending dangers lurking in your home but this one has the benefit of death by aesthetics. Something Good House doesn’t espouse but surely Martha Stewart who, rumor has it, has driven over her own pet chickens, and would applaud.